I feel like I have been swept away with the tide!! There are so many thoughts and feelings I need to record - I know I should be doing a journal, but it is always so much easier for my fingers to type - they seem to catch up with my brain a little faster than when I write. I am learning the value of sharing your journal as I get older and appreciate so much learning about my predecessors. So if you are a blog follower of mine - this may be rather boring - but I am hoping to make a blog book and keep it for posterity! Since my last post I have had some life changing events. I spent most of the spring trying to make my last daughter, Alisa's wedding a memorable experience for all of us. There is something so spiritual, wonderful and sad all at the same time when you give a daughter away. It is so exciting to see someone care for your child as you have. It is wonderful to know they have someone to talk to, laugh with, cry with, struggle with, experience life with. But at the same time it represents an end to an era - an era of you giving your all to another spirit and sometimes it feels as if your heart will break as you turn over the responsibility you have felt all their life to another person. I have been so blessed with my son in laws - I see Heavenly Father's hand is their unions with my daughters. Each one has chosen a person so well matched to them - I know they won't be problem free unions - but I know they all have started in a beautiful way by inviting the Lord to be a partner with them.
Alisa was a fun bride - she didn't seem to have any "bridezilla" traits. She seemed very appreciative of everyone. In fact as we stood in line at one of her celebrations she made the comment to me about all her friends having trauma at their weddings and hers didn't seem to have any, it was just a beautiful day. This coming from the bride whose grandpa died the night before she got married and she had only two hours of sleep, and I'm fairly certain her mother had red eyed disease! In fact I even had one friend asked me if I was okay with this union! I responded with an emphatic yes! - can you say "glass half full!"
I feel such gratitude in my heart for not only the children Heavenly Father has blessed me with - but the most wonderful friends who were there to support me! I feel like the song from Sound of Music when Captain von Trapp and Maria sing, "Nothing comes from Nothing, Nothing ever could, so somewhere in my youth or childhood, I must have done something good"
A few weeks before the wedding, there were several experiences with the adversary - I didn't realize it, but my wise husband pointed out to me that something beautiful was about to happen and Satan didn't want me to have the experience and would do just about anything to make me feel unworthy to enter the temple. I did have a lot on my plate, but Randy gave me a blessing and commanded the spirit of the adversary to depart - I have never before had that experience, but I literally felt his presence leave my body. I went from shaking all over and feeling in the dark to calm and peaceful and renewed strength to face the challenges in my life. I am not sure I have ever had such a powerful experience distinguishing between light and dark. I feel so grateful for a husband who recognized what was happening and was able to give me a priesthood blessing on the spot! A couple of days later I was blessed with a dream where my father came to me. He had died in my dream, but his spirit came to me and told me all was well - he could use his mind, he was not in pain anymore and he would be with me at my daughter's wedding. This dream prepared me for the great loss I would suffer the next week. Tuesday before the wedding, all my children were home and we received the call that my father had quit eating, because of my dream, I knew I needed to take them to Pocatello to say good bye. It was a very hard experience for me, because even though my dad's quality of life was pretty much non existent, I wasn't ready to let him go. I came home and had a hard time sleeping the next two nights. On Thursday, I realized I needed to tell my dad it was okay to go. I called and asked Sheryl to let me talk to him. I think she thought I was nuts because she said, he won't hear you. I told her to humor me. So I told my dad I knew there was a big party in heaven waiting for him, I told him I knew he hated to be the center of attention, but would he please get on with it and get to the party. I told him we would love and care for mom and Sheryl. And then I told him good by. I knew he would be gone before I was out of the temple that night.
It was a very hard time for my mother. She wanted to be with Alisa and she didn't want to leave my dad. I told her to follow her heart. She was worried what people would think if she left him to come to the temple. I told her to pray and then do what she felt was best - we would understand if she needed to hold my dad's hand and we would understand if she needed to be in the temple with Alisa. She prayed about it and said she felt like dad had been sitting on her shoulder the whole day like a little bird telling her to go to the temple. So she came - I think it was best for her, because she was able to feel his spirit with her. He most definitely was there with us in the temple. The death certificate says 6:10, but my dad was never late to anything, so I think his spirit may have left his body sooner. Randy said he felt him say "I'm right here" at about 5:32. You are never ready to lose your parent, but I must say we as a family were able to have some very spiritual experiences in the temple and the next few days. I was asked to give his life sketch. I knew it would be terribly hard for me because I am such a boob - but I also knew it was something my dad wanted and I could not say no. The next two days my mind was flooded with thoughts - I know the Comforter was with me and helping guide me as to what to say. When all was said and done - it seemed so surreal to me - I feel a little bit like I didn't get to celebrate or mourn because I was so busy just trying to hold it together.
I am so grateful for the gospel. I have had a few experiences with my dad since his death which are probably to sacred to write - but for all my posterity reading this -know that he loves you and do nothing to degrade his name! Do all that you can to attend the Holy Temple often.
Serve and love your family and neighbors! Know that you are loved not only by your Heavenly Father but by all the noble ancestors who precede you - Take care of each other, because when you die there won't be a U-Haul following the hearse - but you will be able to take those sacred relationships on with you forever!
Know that I love you, I want you to find real joy in this life - more than anything I want all who know me to know I love my Savior and I know the gospel can bring peace, comfort and STRENGTH in all of our trials and adversity!
You forget how totally draining this experience is on the mother. It is hard to watch your own child have to be in so much pain, but so rewarding to watch them be strong and work through to the end! What a miracle it is! You can't help but feel that larger than life Spirit enter the room in such a tiny little body! Of course, 8 lbs 12 oz 21 inches long isn't exactly tiny for a newborn baby.
